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[01 May 2008|06:26pm] |
i really missed playing soccer.
so i'm playing now. i think.
..first day of practice, i pull my groin muscle.
sweet.
overal, =)
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[17 Sep 2007|11:53pm] |
i moved in yesterday.
i havent been on here forever.
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[14 Jun 2007|01:45am] |
i hattttttteeeeeeeeeee peoppllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
'specially heartbreakerss.
skdjngvjfngv
and bitches who just cause dramaa. and thrive on it. and ahhhhhh
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| 7 deadly sins |
[25 Apr 2007|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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 guilty |
] |
generally speaking, im not a guilty person. I would say I'm pretty concious of my decisions and know what I am doing and what the result will be before I do it. but yesterday, I had the most overwhelming feeling of guilt that I could easily say was the worst to this date. We went on a AP pysch field trip to wayne state and went to a 2 hour lecture about memory and social pysch. It wasnt too bad. but so, we are coming home and we get back to CASA late, leaving everybody with a shortened lunch time. I had my lunch in the car, but I had to go home and get together all my soccer stuff since the bus was leaving at 3:30, and I wouldnt have time after school. So I am driving up rosewood towards the service drive, and see a hearse parked in front on a house ahead. As I get closer I see an older gentlemen outside the hearse. I watch him go up to the car in front of me, and I wonder whats going on. The car in front of my drives away and then I slowly drive up. The man, im assuming the driver, asks me if I happened to have a cell phone. Not even flinching I tell him "No, I am sorry I dont have one," and proceed to drive to the stop sign. Before I am even around the corner, guilt hits me like none other. I honestly freaked out about lying to this poor old man with his broken down hearse. What if he was going to pick up a body, and the whole family is waiting, and the hearse is not coming. What if there is a body! and he has to meet up with a funeral procession to lead it off? what if there is a body in it and its rotting away waiting to get to the funeral home. I called about 5 people desperately hoping they would give me advice, but none answered. By the time I get home I am nervously switching between missing 6th hour so I can drive all the way back and admit I lied and give him my phone (or hope he doesnt recognize me) or about trying to just ignore it, trying to believe somebody will help him. But if I didnt stop and want to let a stranger use my phone, whos to say other will? My dad wouldnt allow me to leave, so throughout all of packing my bag and eating lunch I am worrying about this man. As I drive to Casa (late, btw) I have already decided I will make myself later and go back up rosewood to make sure that man and his hearse still are not there. As I am two blocks away from CASA, I see the hearse drive up Rosewood. Thank GOD! ..or so youd think. The guilty feeling had still not left me. I should of stopped. I could of pulled over, given my phone, and been on my way without a gnawing feeling in my stomach.Let it be known, Whenever there is a broken down hearse, be kind, let the driver use your phone.
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| money hoes and drugs |
[08 Apr 2007|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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man of the year |
] |
i sorta wish i wrote in here more.
ive been occasionally writing in a journal the people i babysit for bought me for christmas.
they, the harnicks, are moving. to seattle. im sorta a bit sad. i dont think i will be turning down babysitting quiet as much anymore..
plus, i need the money for europe!
really though, ive been babysitting for cara since before bryce was even born,
and now, hes learning to read.
when i think of chris now. like really think.
instead of a sad thought.
its mostly just frustration and anger.
speaking of frustration and anger.
Hazel Park.
even austin told me he wanted us beating them'
they were just tooo happy after that fucking tie.
ahh. momo. can we just let that be the last time?
my grad party is going to be june 9th i think.
atleast, that what my parents have been saying for about 2 weeks noww.
nothin special. just one of those boring mainly family ones,
where friends stop by just for a bit. =]
im happy though, my mommy bought me a dress for it!
i got my prom dress.
if im even going.
i think i am though,
and if i do,
my date[s] are about to the hottest.
mr. moore made fun of me for saying 'im bout to'
he also though chris was about to go to duquense though.
so maybe its just him thats all wrong. all wrong.
i love bridget.
we've been friends for such a long timee..
its nice being able to just sneak over there on lunch,
and sit on her porch,
and drink lemonade,
and find coffee mugs full of cigarretes. ha.
i love rafe. and michale allen. and catch phrase. and abbi. and saralee., and andrrew, melanie, henry. PEOPLE! =]
melanie, henry, and I have been hanging out.
and i couldnt love it more.
they are my buddiesss =]
they make mehappy
when skies are gray.
really.
i missed the last two days of seventh hour. and the last one of sixth.
it wwas necessary.
and it was okay the first miss, because im Jewish.
im hoping ill be able to resist senoritis.
ive been doing well so far though.
i dont miss when i cant afford it.
and wanna know why i know that?
I GOT A 4.0 ON THIS REPORT CARD.
im not bragging.
its just been a goal of mine through all of highschool. and ive been tooo close too many times.
so im happy.
..it doesnt feel allll that great though.
but it was nice seeing it, for that first second.
lets see if i can keep it for the overall/
k. well for somebody who didnt think they had anything to say,
peaceee.
i sure dragged this out.
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| blab blab blah |
[06 Feb 2007|01:14am] |
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k so maybe it does matter sometimes a bit but not overall really. jsut is good for that little bit. maaan, really nostalgic. i miss last spring. but im not about to write about it all. because i dont think ill forget for awhile. i jsut want it again. and it wont happen. and it just pisses me off. fuck i want/NEED to graduate. really really i do, and my life will be sweet liek this book im reading. i read books a lot. i sorta wish we had school. i jsut dont feel like not going. buit i do. but then when we get backk all the eacher will be pissed and say we are behind and we wil have to do so much. i have fun at work even though it was no degrees and i lost feeling in my fingers. but mike lent me his jacket. after i stole it. and hid by the heater. and i didnt have a chore and i had gum and i got to go early and i didnt clock out for my break. and it was good times. and it was a good weekend. but man fuck that. and i love danni treeworgy b/c we are sisters and understand eachother and i am proud i said no. really really proud. but i miss that hooking up though. fuuuckck. i jsut wrote a lot all in one paragraph adn really fast so my fingers hurt. so maybe im bout to go read my book and write in my diary. ahah. diary. journal. i ran into THREE people from whateve the hell club i was at that remembered/recognized me. WHAT. how did they? ooh man. it was good times though, good times. fun fun fun. k love you i sorta want a boyfriend now okay bye guys. and oh, gar is not my feller. quit asking. jesus holiday rumors. we caught some lady shoplifting today. 2 pints of vodka. she was cuffed. man that makes stealuing scary. i dont ge thow people do it. i would be so ashamed of getting caught. for real my book is good and i want to find out what happens. SO i htink i shall go. and i think i shall blow those fucking people off tmr that basically blew me off tonight. i had fun without them though. it was nice. i jsut ignored my cousins phone call after bitching him out for ignoring me. hmm. i jsut dont want to talk. my throat hurts. maybe he will leave a voicemail, that ill listen to in a week. but i dont htink he did. fuck my away message is long as hell. is this even being spelled correctly? probably not. i got an a in typing though. fuck i wanted a 4.0 so badly. but NOOOO 3.8 cool mrs asheton. b+ my ass. jsut like mrs murley did to me sophomore eyar. and i think mrs lindholm it will happend with her this semester. thank go im not in military history anymore. maybe bassier id get a b too. b/c i jsut dont care. WERE ABOUT TO GRADUATE. HELL> YEAH. heellllll yeah.
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[28 Jan 2007|04:36pm] |
well. that was weird.
i mean. its a good feeling. but its weird.
like, its just over.
and it doesnt matter anymore.
hm.
I wonder if ill even remember what i was talking about.
Chris had a party this weekend. I left early and went clubbin'. ahahah
oh lord though. it was a weeeird day the next day.
but i had a good relaxed time in the end.
We are just now celebrating my bday tonight. I didnt even get any bday cards from my grandparents and family.
Cool. I feel loved at 18
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| I know, its a month late |
[21 Jan 2007|09:46pm] |
January: 
February:
March: 
April:
May:
June: 
July:
August: 
September:
what was october?AH
November:
December:
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[31 Dec 2006|01:23am] |
**JANUARY**
1. Who kissed you on New Years in 2006?
Jenine could of kissed my ass
2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
Nope
3. Does it snow where you live?
Usually ... but not yet
4. Do you like hot chocolate?
love it. exspecially with whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkled on top
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
Not yet
** FEBRUARY **
1. Who was your Valentine in 2006?
i mean. nobody
2. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
for sure
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
Not at all
** MARCH **
1. Are you Irish?
Yes
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
yes
3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2006?
I really have no idea
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
hell yes
** APRIL **
1. Do you like the rain?
<3
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
no. i got hoed out by chris though
3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
no i dont really like candy
4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
hgaha no
5. Do you love the month of April?
I did
** MAY **
1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
daisy. i dont know. i should get one
2. Do you like the spring?
looove it
3. Finish the phrase "April showers":
bring May flowers
4. What is the first color you think of when you think of Spring?
green
** JUNE **
1. What year did/will you graduate from highschool?
this year--07!
2. "June Is Busting Out All Over":
okay.
** JULY **
1. What did you do on the Fourth of July in 2006?
I saw the firework in Canada a few days before..I think the real day I was with Carly and saw them in BHam
2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
I mean..canada?
3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
we dont have it.
** AUGUST **
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer in 2006?
cried
2. What was your favorite summer memory of '06?
Maybe the fireworks in Canada. Or Dannis grad party. I mean, i also had a lot of good ones with chris in the beginning. I dont have a favoriteee. WEll, maybe my vacation to Canada with MAtt and Aleah
3. Did you have a sunburn this year?
definately labor day i got one
4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
No
** SEPTEMBER **
1. Did you attend school/college in '06?
High School
2. Who is your favorite teacher in 2006?
definately not downey.
3. Do you like fall better than summer?
well no. but im happier
** OCTOBER **
1. What was your favorite Halloween costume?
THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT. <3 Ashlee. for real though, my nala costume in kindergarten was baller
2. What was your favorite candy?
snickers
3. What did you dress up as this year?
jolly green giant
4. Party or Trick-o-Treat?
trick or treated! ha. we had school the enxt day..plus, it was my last year i technically could
** NOVEMBER**
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
we went to Grand Rapids
2. Do you love stuffing?
no
3. What are you thankful for?
family and friends and growing and learning
** DECEMBER **
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
no
2. If not, what do you celebrate?
Chanukkah
3. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
I dont think so
4. Get anything special this year?
I mean not really
5. What do you want next year?
To not be having a bad time at my new school
6. Do you like cold weather?
fuck that
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| Do you think Ill remember in detail everything Im vaguely talking about in this entry? |
[20 Nov 2006|05:20pm] |
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It is sorta sad when you finally accpet something you never wanted to.
Like, even though you knew it was wrong all along, but you made up excuses for why it was okay.
Its sad when you give in. I mean, its a lot healthier, but its still a bit of a let down. Because, its when you finally realize it isnt going to be how you wanted it to be, ya know? and it sucks.
Its also very dissapointing how people change.
I mean, its expected of course, exspecially in the last years of high school, and beginning college.
But still. Its hard when the person that you used to know like the back of your hand, you cant even being to predict what theyll do next. Because then its like you hold on to the old person, saying you know the real them is still there. which goes back to its sad finally accepting soemthing you didnt.
I suppose its just hard accepting change you didnt want to happen. Thats what Im getting at.
You just have to learn its okay to think about the good memories, but not to live in them.
You cant dwell in the past because then it prohibits you from making future memories that youll be able to look back on and smile.
Im just tired. I am tired of making excuses. Tired of convincing myself it will all be okay. Tired of trying to convince myself he's still a good person, even.
ive came to terms. im done.
I had court today. I was fighting a traffic ticket.
I won. and I should of, it was a lame ticket.
It was sort of intimidating when I first walked in though, there were 4 cops and the magistrate guy all staring at me.
They were nice though, and we joked around.
So far Ive gotten into Loyola, Albion, Central, and Wayne. I'll find out about Kalamazoo in the begining of January. I guess I'm applying to Oakland too. and maybe MArquette. I dont want to apply to too many though because then there will be too much to choose from! Although its already decided that Wayne and Central are out. I dont care how much money they offer me.
I really need to schedule some visits though. I am sorta waiting for my indoor soccer to end, so I wont miss games. I think its over in like January.
Its really cold in my basement. I really dont like the cold.
i like snow though. but I really sorta hate it. I wouldnt if snow didnt mean cold.
I really like Saralee. I really really like her a lot.
She did the nicest thing for me. And I am keeping it forever. And am going to look at it whenever Im sad. And smile.
Its what Ive always wanted somebody to do for me.
Ive been getting really nostalic lately. Probably because everything thats been going on..but i mean, it isnt only about last year.
I really miss freshman and sophomore year too. I miss running around with BRidget and Jen. Spending hours in Jens bathroom..watching Jen get ready =P then running around P.R, tping houses and just having old fashioned fun. I wish sometimes that Jen would put forth any sort of effort to hangout with Bridget and Myself.
Im glad bridge and I are still friends though. I dont know what I'd do without her. We can go weeks without seeing eachother, but we still always know whats going on in the others life. & I can always count on her when I really need her (Remember when Chris and I got in that fight and you came over at like midnight with yogurt? haha)
And I miss sophomore year. I miss Greg, Johnny, Britt, and I being best friends and being together 24/7. I hungout with Greg yesterday. We went to the movies, out to eat, then coldstone =) I had a lot of fun, it reminded me of old times so much. Us four need to have a reunion.
Have I written about Skyline? It was good. A lot of it was as I expected it to be, sorta of undescibable, ya know?
Like, I knew there would be little group animal meetings and people cried and got close and there was bonding and what not.
but you cant fully understand unless you go.
It just teaches you a lot, you learn a lot about people and find things you never would of even guessed.
People have some pretty hard lifes, and it reminded me how lucky I am. Even with as much drama as Ive been going through this year, I still have it really good.
One of the things I stress the most is being a good friend.
And it really upsets me that it feels like many dont care as much as I do.
maybe its just that I dont mean as much to them?
But still, I feel like it doesnt matter if one person means more to you than the next, you should still be as good to both as you can? I mean, sure, I guess there will always be a little favorism. But still. do you know what I mean? I want people I am not as close with to still think I am a good friend and that they can count on me.
FUCK. this is the 2nd time my foot has falled asleep in the past like 1/2 hour.
I like Akon.
Its my moms birthday. We are having steak and hot potatoes. Its going to be soo gooddd. And then cake =) Yummm.
Im excited to be happy and to hangout with new people and just have funnn.
I love Melissa and Charles.
and RAFE!! hes basically my hero and best friend forever. He was my getaway driver. I really dont like police and Dana made me very nervous. I was glad to just get out of there and eat donuts. and go home and lay down on my hard basement floor for an hour before going to bed. WHich Im not sure why that happened. I also had like an hour long conversation with Wendell thanking him for cake. I love Wendell. I miss when we used to talk and be close and all that stuff.
I need to write my cousin an email. And ask her some questions.
I am excited to go out of town for thanksgiving and see mis primas. I wish Jill and Keeg were flying in.
It'll be nice seeing matt again. hopefully he wont ask about thickums. because first, thats just sick. and i dont even want to think about him this break. Although I know he'll ask. and then I know what we'll do =/ Oh WEllll, all in good fun I suppose.
I got really upset today in photography.
I am feeling so overwhelmed in that class and I couldnt even tell you why.
I jsut feel so behind in it. But really, I am not so much.
I jsut dont know how to use photoshop.
And I am terrified this roll of film wont turn out because its insane. And probably Ill cry and hopefully Mr. Bassier will understand.
I just need to finish the 3rd assignment all during break and come back and be ready and be happy and be set.
I bought some spinach dip and pita bread today when I was picking up an application. Arent you excited?
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| Why do we always go back to eachother? |
[05 Nov 2006|12:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 you could say |
] |
| [ |
music |
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american pie |
] |
I always want to write in here. But then I am never motivated enough.
Ive been writing though. just in class when i cant concentrate, I begin to write.
A lot of the time its about something specific.
I think thats why I dont write it in here.
I am sick of it always being on my mind, I am sick of it controlling my moods.
and I am sure others dont want to hear it. And I dont want them to, because they wont understand.
I dont even understand.
I'll be doing really well. But then something 'good' will happen, and the circle starts all over again.
I guess its good ive awknowledged it.
I really want to go to Loyola. I wish it wasnt so much money..$37,000.
The average scholarship is like 20 grand.
but still, thats $17,00 to go.
But really. its exactly what I want. A smaller school but a big city. and the programs they have are amazing.
Albion is about $35,000
and the financial aid early estimator said I should get about $31,000.
my dad was really pleased.
I need to visit there.
I dont like how money puts such restraints on things. Im sure nobody does actually. but you know?
I was looking at the scholarships that we got at the senior meeting. the meeting was november 2nd, too bad most of the deadlines were in october. COOL FERNDALE.
and really, do we have to get that tassle spinner? It is a part of all the packages. why cant we just get a regular tassle? The spinner should be extra. This is really stupid. way to be ghetto ferndale.
god damn. I am ready to graduate.
This wasnt the senior year I thought it would be. I never idealized my senior year, I never had a way that I thought it SHOULD be..but now that it is happening, I feel it shouldnt be this way.
I guess this year is all about growing up and things changing and finding out who you really are..and who your friends really are. && I am not liking much what I am seeing.
This entry is frusterating me. I have a lot to say. But I dont want to think about it.
Like I always do.
I wonder how much we let others affect how we really feel.
I am going to clean my room.
I went shopping at Target yesterday. I am really pleased with my purchases. sixty dollars well spent. =)
I really like Stuie. and I really like Diego.
And I really appreciate Phil.
and I love Abbi and Saralee.
and I need a vacation.
Whens thanksgiving? Whens Chicago? Whens an adventure?
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[21 Sep 2006|04:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 i guess i guess |
] |
| [ |
music |
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waiting on the world to change |
] |
I havent been on here in awhile.
a lot has changed.
as is expected though, I am sure.
Today was a pretty good day. Excpet extremely pointless, school-wise. Out of the classes that I went to, excluding philosopy, we did no work in whatsoever, and they all were a huge waste of time. I like that my classes are not ridiculously hard though. But still, they dont look like blowoffs.
I really enjoyed the weather today. I mean, at first it was chilly, but the sun was shinning, and it just reminded me of end of the school year weather. ahah, like.. it reminded me of going to soccer practice, then going to Chris's and just, it reminded me of really happy times. So I decided to go pick up Maddy from Kennedy and visit with Mrs. Kunz, then I treated Maddy to DQ.
I really miss my youthful innocence && KHK really reminded me of that. I miss PAT points, I miss playing BASH, i miss running around playing tackle football and soccer at lunch recess..i miss sneaking out of lunch detention to have lunch recess. Remember when recess was basically your life? I quit glee club solely because it made me miss lunch recess one day a week. I remember when drinking and smoking were huge deals, and hooking up with boys. I remember how shocked I was when I first heard of a blowjob, and how concerned I was when one of my friends smoked. Granted, some kids grow up faster than others I suppose, and none of this stuff really happened to me until middle school..and even then it was rare. The biggest change was in highschool.
Highschool is interesting. Its weird to see who changes, and why they do. Its also hard. Its when you are expected to grow up the most, you have the most responsibilties, are forced to do things on your own, and to make decisioins that will help dictate the rest of your future.
I applied to Central. I wasnt going to, but I really enjoyed the campus when I was there. I liked the new buildings, I really liked the cafeteria (we all know how important that is ahha), the library was really nice, and I like how you wont be getting assistant teachers, you get the professors, and smaller class sizes.
I also am in the process of applying to Kalamazoo, and Loyola. and as much as I hate it, I impulsively signed up for MSU visit day. There really is no explanation why I am so against State, maybe it is because I was raised a true Mich. fan. I'm not sure.
I got the MEAP scholarship..so my dad is a million percent against Loyola now. speaking of my crazy dad...
So, a bunch of people got the MEAP scholarship, right? And everybody is talking about it and how much they got and yadda yadda. Meanwhile, whenever the subject is brought up, I always get really quiet..because it appeared I was the only one out of my friends not to get it.
So one day, Britt is over and trying to get me not to drop AP Calc (which I did) and she says something about it being easy math, like on the MEAPS, and didnt I get the scholarship? So thats when i inform her, that no, unlike verybody else in the fricken world, I didnt get the money. Thats when my dad walks in saying "What? yes, you got $3000" oh thanks dad! way to keep it a secret and make me feel like th biggest loser. He didnt even tell my mom! he jsut goes "well, it was addressed to the parents of." Wouldnt most parents tell their kid when they get a scholarship? My dad is nuts.
I dont like when people make fun of me because I laugh a lot, or that I laugh loudly, or that I am loud in general. Just shut up and leave me alone. Its who I am, accept it, or dont be my friend.
Friends. How do you define a friend? However you define it, does a person have to meet every requirement to be one? What if they meet 9/10 of the things you listed..but the one they dont meet is the most important? What about a Best Friend? In Philoposhy we talked about existensionalism or something, and we talked about how True Love can never exist. And it can not exist because we think of people as possessions, thats MY boyfriend, MY mom, MY sister. What about your siblings? it it not their mother also? their sister? or your boyfriend, is he not somebodys son? nobody is yours, yet whether we admit it or not, we label then as such, unknowingly or not. I have gotten way off topic, but I thought it was interesting. I wonder if you said "That is the boy who I am dating" that wouldnt be adding as much possession to it, but still you said "who i am". hm. Also, in order to truely love a person, you have the accept them 100%, all flaws included. And if given the situation where they say "You know, I love you and all, but i am bored, I want variety, I want to see soembody else for a bit." you would accept that, you wouldnt tell them you didnt approve, that it didnt make you happy, because that would install guilt in the other person, and if you install guilt in them, you dont truely love them.
We also talked about how everything you do is intentional. All good and all bad you do, you know you are doing it, and there is a purpose behind it. I am sure some of you would argue with that. I am surprised I didnt, but with everything that has happened in my life recently, I was more caught up in my own life situation.
It is hard to trust people, for me anyways. And it sucks when the ones you rely on the most let you down. One of the worst feelings is that you dont mean as much to others as they mean to you. And that is how I have been feeling a lot lately. Like the ones I surround myself with, that I have known since kindergarten, are still choosing others over me. I dont know. After everything that happened with Chris this summer, I undoubtedly have trust issues. I mean, I already had problems with letting myself be vunerable, and letting others deeply into my life. And then Chris really deepened that fear I had. And with the recent issues, its jsut even worse. I hate when you are the only one who doesnt know what is going on. And the people you see everyday all know, and know you dont know, and dont tell you. Maybe because they are afraid, or they dont know how, they dont think its their place, or they dont want to see you hurt. But I think it just hurts that much worse in the end. Because the truth always comes out, no matter how far down the line, and I hate feelings like the idiot that didnt pick up on it.
With that, I am going to go to the football game. and surround myself with those very people. It is good knowing you have that one person to turn to..but what if as the seasons past, you lose that person? It is scary knowing things are always chaning, always, and you cant stop most of it.
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[05 Sep 2006|10:38pm] |
It's the beginning of the end..!!!!
i teared up a bit today when I got a college app. in the mail. UE
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| newly discovered brown puppy eyes. thanks prom pics. |
[07 Aug 2006|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ya digg? |
] |
| [ |
music |
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buffalo soldier |
] |
i have been writing a lot privately.
i know how i feel so i dont want to write it and reiterate everything.
but i want to be able to remember.
so i sorta wanna write all the new conclusions and what now, but i dont want to.
Ive been exprssing myself verbally a lot. <3 LExi and BB
Ive had a few moments of clarity,
but its hard when a little thing is such a huge sta\ep back.
I wonder if in a year when I read this, I will know exactly what I am refering to. Probably not. its very vague.
right now I am thinking, "of course i will, it is a huge fucking thing in my life"
but in the future it will be a sorta "that was then, this is now"
danile herrick and my brothers jsut ruinged my train of thought.
uhhhm. oh yes. i wonder if in a year, I will remember, but it will be one of those "man, highschool drama means nothing now, why did i bother?"
but we all know why we bothered. because it was happening THEN, it was important THEN.
its been such a rough summer. I have had fun, I wont say I didnt. But overall, rough. very very rough.
Normally, I am a lot stronger.
Fuck this.
We had a family reunion this past week. It was the most honkytonky tourist town ive ever seen. but we had fun. whitewater rafting, jumping in the water from cliffs && rope swings, haunted places, ripley meausem, spiking drinks, bear hunts, innocent walks. and tears. but laughter laughter laughter. and bonding..ish and singing..ohhhh singing. me encanta mi familia. Its nice to see older couples together, happy, and everything working out.
I want to know about my parents childhood and growing up. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I will know a lot about my moms life, like, exactly what went down. went down. ahah, yaknoooow. I feel like some of my friends with younger parents know a lot, but I want more. I want the real dirt.
I sorta want to go to College in Louisiana, ya know?
It would be hard seeing friends. like, a lot more so.
but you know they say you will only remember like 10% of your graduating class, and out of that ten%, only talk to like 2-3 people after.
Who are the 3 you will continue to talk to? I mean..even after college, when you for real move away and start your life. like in late twenties. I suppose you could still keep in touch if you were still close to home, but like. hm. I wonder.
Ive been thinking a lot. and contemplating a lot.
sometimes it drives me nuts and makes me just aahahs.
and then sometimes when I let it out its great to think about it,,
but sometimes I dont even have to relax, and I can think about it in a good way.
I miss Matt Renolyds. We werent even that close, but he'd always show me a good time when we'd chill. and he was always very kind and ahppy sounding to see me.
Also. RIP DAvid (he got a private post, <3 you man)
Man, its so fucking early.
Breetanknee and I made up. It was getting ridiculous, and I am eversohappy that we did.
I needed her back in my life.
I need stability back in my life, and this bad wave to move the fuck on.
I missed a steak dinner last night.
But I won Apples to Apples the 2nd game..and came in 2nd on the 1st.
I am starting to wonder what will happen if I ever got caught.
Or what people are saying.
Britt said a lot. We talked about it. She had a reason to. I dont even like it, but its getting back slowly. And it will be better.
Unfortunately, my mood controls a lot.
But as I said, with time it'll get better. hmpf....I wish time would go faster.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
fuck i didnt want to get too attached. its a year away.
why is it so easy for you?
why is it so easy for you to act like it is so easy, if it isnt?
I do deserve better, but its still so ahrd because of ^^.
I cant snap my fingers and for it all to be gone.
there is an african beat on the television. i said that like "tele-vish-e-own"
it reminds me of Rjs african beat.
and how nice it was and how bad I was.
What the fuck is up with my nails.
I swear they are mimicking how my life is now.
I chose 'lovelife' as a green apple yesterday playing cards.
and in Tenn, I chose 'sponatnious human combustion' as hilarious.
mis unas are getting pretty ridic.
you were always the one chasing. I know it cant be that easy. I hope it cant be that easy. I want to be able to know what youre really going through, why its really going on.
if youre naked with somebody in a shower, its ahrd to just get mad and walk away.
wouldnt you think?
I wouldnt know, but on tv, on the tele-vish-e-own, they were talking about how she jsut delivers bad news in the shower.
I need to stop turning down free hours at work. but before I left, it got tot he point where I was listerally there everyday, and couldnt STAND to look at the fucking thing. So now I am enjoying having only 3 days.
Whyt he fuck am i starting to think about you again.
damn lord.
Fuck. I jsut read a shitload of qoutes from the 60s about racism.
People are still racist.
Rasicsm I do not understand. A person is a person, no matter the color of their skin.
its weird to me how some dont see it as such. or they say they dont, but they put limits on it. well i mean, they dotn say they dont, because they cant really...but I mean, they make acceptances for some situations. that doesnt count. it shouldnt be like that. its jsut about the personality and the person they are.
I am bleeding. quite i bit. I have gotten it all over the paper by me
I cant believe it was so early, that now when it is early, im thinking its sorta late. why did I come home like 2.5 hours early? Fuck mondaaaays.
I like "ya digg?" and '"ya'll"
weird. school starts in about a month.
lets see how hard it is.
I mean even more than jsut schoooool.
hopefully no es dificil, y estamos amigos. bien amigos.
hm. I thought about Senora today. And how we talked and joked so much in class, but in the summer its quick small talk.
I need to see so many people before summer is out, but theres only so many hours in a day.
and you always end up with a lot of the same, and its hard to break away b/c you just are with them and make plans for the next day.
But it isnt that hard always really.
but then work is there too.
I want to walk up and wash my face and brush my teeth. but my bed is up two stories. ya digg? yes, its far. and my leg is starting to ache.
BB always seems so assured of it.
but you never know what is hidden.
but you gotta have that trust.
I have been saying trust is important a lot recently. and so is sense of humor and serious converstaions and being silly and sponanious, and not giving up when fixing someone sad. and always still being there when things are rough and maybe still being best friends. I didnt say the last two. But I thought it. but I suppose it holds people back a lot. And makes them feel guilty. But it would be nice if each had an understanding and was able to be there for the other.
Maybe one day.
Ok.
I am going to stalk some suckers on myspace.
arg.
actually im not really, really I have a magazine upstairs to read in my bed with the fan on.
wonder when we'll next talk?
love you all.
tatta
OH. and mini vacay//soccer bonding with stuie soonish in a weekish. GREAT. leaving 'em alonnneee. ahhh, last time bad news was discovered. But boy oh boy do I need the vacation. Its aroud the syncro show I think though..so things may be cut back:( I wonder if I ever would of known if it wasnt for Wendell. my leg is aching. I think I already said that. Oh, and we got a new couch down here, and there isnt a bed.
I feel like i am writing like a fourth grader.
Adios
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| movin gya |
[10 Jun 2006|07:04pm] |
clouds are weird.
I was taught if you want to have sex with a girl, touch her foot.
I was told "I would do you friday, thursday, saturday, sunday."
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| fuck bitches. get money |
[31 May 2006|11:45pm] |
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I cant remember the last time I ever went on livejournal.
Life is so busy now, and it really bothers me how quickly time is flying. I dont even notice, all of the sudden its friday, and the WEEKEND, then suddenly thats over, and its back to school, but thats over before I know it. Did you know we get out in 2 weeks? Casa in one? Seniors yesterday? Lorddddd
Its weird how certain songs bring up certain memories or emotions.
"All my life" by KC and JOJO will forever remind me of Karianne Sopheia. I first heard it in her living room, and I think she did a talent show to it? Who knows. But now, it also reminds me of the seniors. Probably because it is Sarah Albanana myspace song, and she has a picture of seniors saing "I love you guys."
That "I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears" song always makes me think of Chris because that was all over the radio when I thought it'd be a good idea to spend some time apart over mid winter break.."Grind on me" also reminds me of him..ahha
"BBQ Stains on my white T-Shirt" has reminded me of Colin from Lousiana ever since I went there in 8th grade.
"Butterfly Kisses" = Stuie and soccer. <3
I want to be a little kid and not grow up and not have to say goodbye.
^^^^^so apparently i started to write that and lj saved it? so whatever
..i dont care
i dont care
i dont care
tears are streaming down my face..and i dont care
i dont care i dont care i dont care.
how about you be a bigger asshole, and go cry to dad again like a little bitch?
how about making life more stressful?
how about steve taking over soccer?
how aboutb you fucking killing yourself slowly?
how about me not caring? it'd be so much easier.
you love it so much. but its so easy to hate and want to quit. ssweeeet/
I think the bell jar is making me depessed.
so im becoming and alcoholic..AND I KILL MYSELF OFF TOO. SOUDN GOOD>
i need some peanust m&ms
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[05 May 2006|02:31am] |
So Prom is today..
I couldnt sleep.
Then one of my favorite cousins woke me up...
It was Rafes birthday yesterday, and everything was going great..
..until my blue boat got hit by a carbus.
Ph, and part of my ceiling fell in on me as I woke up that morning.
I really wish I was tireddedededddd.
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[03 May 2006|08:45pm] |
I need to stop taking bets from Stuie...
1 thing of ranch, 4 half&halfs...
+ $7.
Also. my car got stuck in the mud today.
and I found pictures of michaels sad childhood.
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[28 Apr 2006|11:05am] |
that was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
and i dont like hospitals.
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repairmanxthree's journal